My secret...revealed

I moved back to Richmond two years ago to complete my college degree.

I have continued taking classes, arranging them around my full-time job. I originally chose a job that would not encroach on my free time so that I could devote that time to study. I also took 1) a step back down the career ladder, in terms of responsibility, autonomy, and not to mention 2) a 25% salary cut! Though they were flexible last summer with my school schedule and allowed me to work reduced hours during a 10-week time, they informed me that they no longer want to do that and I must schedule all my future classes after normal work hours. Well, during that summer semester I received the best grades of my time here in Richmond and it was because I didn't feel compromised.

Remember, the job is the means for my true end goal; a college degree. Sacrificing school for this job fills me with resentment.

Since I am very close to graduation, the number of classes I am required to take is very small and selective. They are not offered as frequently as introductory classes. This semester I have the chance to take three classes that are only offered during the Spring semesters. Well, I had hoped to graduate next spring in 2008.

Having to give up these classes and hoping I can take them next year has caused me a lot of distress. I know the job is not worth it, there is no hope for advancement and definitely no way of getting a 25% raise.

For months now I have been talking with my counselor and therapist about quitting my job and attending school full-time. I know this is the right thing to do, to totally devote myself to school and prove to myself that I can succeed at this finally. My biggest dream is to bring up my grades and graduate with honors! What I've been able to accomplish while working full-time is not going to cut it. But again I'm scared of failure. I'm scared of putting faith in myself, even though I have done it before. I excelled when I completed my Associates degree, received my best grades ever, made Dean's list, and graduated with Honors. I knew myself then; how much time I needed to study and what the best conditions for that were. However, the nearer it comes to becoming reality the more terrified I am. Why?

I think it's because of the job. I am no longer challenged and I observe bad decision making, ineffective, and inefficient work procedures day in and day out all the while keeping my mouth shut. Over time, this seems to have dulled my self confidence.

I am getting a part-time job, the University's health plan, and I have looked into loans that I would definitely get because I have great credit. I skirted around the subject with my family during the holidays and it doesn't seem like there will be support for this decision from them, but I can't not do this. Others who know more in detail what I want out of life are behind me though.

I just recently saw a doctor because of a continuing stomach pain. He warned me of a possible ulcer and after hearing me recount what was going on in my life he actually said, "If I could write a prescription for you to quit your job, I would" Can you believe that? He was serious, and so is everyone else I tell my tale. At least I'm learning. With one job, sitting in a ladies room stall crying in the middle of the day a few times a week was normal. (That was a VERY BAD job for the psyche)

At this moment I am enrolled in two required classes (only offered in the daytime) and two easily rescheduled classes offered as night classes. My future in this job is the only thing that holds me back on my decision. If I pick the classes that make my job happy I will not only resent the job more but would end up hating myself. I've been here before and "health insurance" is not the best reason to keep a job. I want my degree so that I can have more options on what I can do for a living in the future. If I allowed the "temporary" job to trump my education because of fear, then I probably would never have the future I want anyways.

So wish me luck.

(Whew, this feels so much better! I've been wanting to write about this for months but was scared what naysayers would say if I recorded doubts and didn't seem to have it all planned out. I promise to be more forthcoming with the few of you who do read this blog. And if you are reading, this would be a great time to let me know. Thanks.)