Tuesday, June 30, 2009

What I Can't Get Back

My oldest sister called me earlier today to remind me what day it was.

My mother died 20 years ago on June 30, 1989.

While I understand my sister's desire to honor our mother, that day (and it's memories) still hold so much pain for me.

I was the only one in the room the moment our mother passed away...a twenty year old girl, a sophomore in college, home for the summer, who had been told only three days earlier in a doctor's office that her mother was not going to get better and would be gone very soon. How soon, less than a week, was still a shock to us all. Nowadays one would have an easy time finding information on liver cancer on the Internet, but that was not the case back then. In my naive and young mind, she had already "beaten" breast cancer, so why should this be any different?

That morning, as her breathing labored, I really had no idea what was going on. I was alone and afraid. I wanted someone to explain what was happening and to hold me. However, that did not happen. As I panicked and cried, I missed the chance to calmly take my mother's hand, comfort her, let her know that everything was going to be okay, and tell her I loved her for the last time. I will always regret this even though I know that she knew.

That day was when I lost my sense of security...my belief that there would be someone to take care of and to comfort me.

Today, June 30th 2009, my mother has now been out of my life exactly as long as she was in it and I feel as alone today as I was then.


Antoinette said...

Your loss and sadness are palpable. I feel overwhelmed by what you've written and how you must feel. I would guess you want to be alone but being around people right now would probably be the best help. Just know everyone who reads your blog is with you and sending you comforting and healing thoughts. xo

drwende said...

Oh my. An already stressful week, and here's one topic you can't help being sad about.

If you feel the need to go hide in bed after work, you've probably earned it -- but make sure you have food in the house first, and don't stop reading, as we out here want you around!

chez shoes said...

That photo is beautiful. Hugs to you.

Smitty said...

Hi. I just stumbled across your blog and I wanted to tell you that I lost my mother a year and a half ago, and my father six months ago. I fled the house knowing he was going to be gone soon, and it took all night to pull myself together and be there. I was too late. I regret it and probably will for the rest of my life. My mom passed suddenly and I hate myself for not magically knowing and being there for her. I am the first of my friends to go through this and I have been feeling so down and alone. But tonight, you are standing in the room with me, by the bed, not sure of what to do. We can be orphans at any age and it ain't easy, but it's what we've got. Our parents taught us to carry on, so we will. But you are not alone.

lsaspacey said...

*Smitty, I wish you had left a link so I could respond to you. I hope you see this. Know that your message really touched me and that I am definitely standing in that room with you if you need MY support. I am so sorry for your double loss. However, I can tell you it does get better over time. Please take care.

June said...

I am a few months late here but my eyes just watered reading this and I got all choked up.